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Dear John,

After several bush fires I got off the island. I recovered quickly in the hospital but wowza. You know, seamen are nice. Some are a bit odd but then there are the really buff strong guys and you know I think they have a chance at being Captain. I really do. But nevermind all this.

It's Grammy night! HOLY COW! Are you excited? I've set my recorder, mini-recorder, camcorder, cassette player, microphone, security camera and my wee mini-poodle to howl, and rabbits to fuck noisely at 9pm MST, so that I don't miss the show! I'll probably keep the tape to myself because this sort of thing just causes trouble once it gets out there. People go mad! Like, "OMG did you see John wearing that Borat thong." Well, that wasn't the Grammys but you get it. So I'm just going to keep this show between me and you. You and me. Mind you if anyone wants to watch it they can PM me and well, I'll give it up. I give up just about anything when someone PMs me. Do you?

The question I have is: What will you be wearing? Armani? Canali? Boss? Coach? Borat thong? DO THE BORAT THONG! HAHAHALOL

Gosh John I giggled at the Borat thing. Some of my friends kinda felt a bit of bile in the back of their throat, but I never do because I was once told I have a really long and wide throat. So it didn't bother me. I wonder though, did it hurt? It sure seemed to pull. Did it hurt your bits? Are you still fertile? Do you really really know the answer to that question? Really really? At any rate, don't do it. Wear a nice pink ensemble with white tipped boots. That's how I see you in my erotica. Would a boa be taking it too far? Try it and see how it feels before you totally dismiss it. Ok? OK!

I read the article in Men's Unhealthy Responses to Egocentric Delusions. For about 3 seconds I was in the zone. I was like not inside myself, but not outside myself, maybe suspended but not by visible wires or other electronic means, but by something dangly and suspending but comfortable and not saggy or scary but whimsical and free and light absolutely light without purging or extreme dieting and you know I needed that to find myself so I could lose myself again. Do you believe me? No really. Do you believe that I believe that you believe what I believe? I hope so. Anyways it was a great read and I must say that erotica is a challenging issue. Maybe one day I'll share with you some of my own self-penned erotica. Mine always involve jellyfish stinging me. Do yours? I sure hope the man I find enables me to use that jellyfish without pouting you know? Men say, "No. I don't want to use the jellyfish." So frustrating. I mean it IS about the jellyfish. Fuck.

Well, good luck tonight John! I know that you'll know I'm watching (and recording) when you pick up the guitar and maybe play it or sing it!!

Tentacles crossed,
Pants

Dear John,

I am wondering if on the next Mayer Cruise Craft Carrier we could stop at Halifax? I've never been to Halifax and I'd really like to see it. I'm not sure if it's on the ocean or near it, but we could always portage. There's enough of us, I'd think. Plus we could eat lobster. Live lobster! I'd kill the sonofabitch for a meal. Would you?

Think about it.

Soon to be in the cabin right. next. door.
Pants

Dear John,

I am mookie? OMG! Glitter hurl right back atcha!
Finally. A sign.

Forever your,
Pants

Dear John,

How are you? I am infected with a mild herpes virus. Nevermind though, I've had it before and it all works out pretty good for me.

Ok, so now would not be a good time to call 1-900-HOT SLUT.

Don't ask. Do not ask.

Just lookin' out for you,
Pants

Yes, of course you can. Isn't everyone?

Pants